You heard it right, kids – your favorite tree-hugging superhero is being made into a live-action film, announces Cartoon Network.  Stuart Snyder, president and COO of Turner Broadcasting System, Inc., has agreed to create the film with the help of Angry Filmworks (best known for the Transformers franchise) and producers Don Murphy and Susan Montford.

Now, those of us who grew up in the ’90s remember a cartoon about an environmental superhero who battled the villains that threatened our planet’s health and well-being, and his troop of Planeteers.  There were five Planeteers in all, each hailing from a different part of the globe, and each able to use a powerful ring to control an element of the Earth.  Kwame, from Africa, had the power to control earth itself.  Linka, from Russia, was able to control the wind.  Wheeler, from Brooklyn, could conjure fire.  Gi, the Asian, had power over water.  And then there was Ma-Ti, a sad little monkey-owning Brazilian who was raised by a shaman.  He had the power to control hearts.  In other words, everyone had really cool powers and the South American kid got the shaft, because all he could do is make you feel all warm and fuzzy about recycling and adopting a puppy.  When the powers of the five Planeteers combined, it summoned Captain Planet, who would basically just sucker punch that week’s eco-villain.  Then he would go comb his green flat-top and adjust his diaper until he had to fight again.

So, yes.  This is trying to be made into a feature film.

Snyder, Murphy, and Montford are super excited about Captain Planet’s feature-length debut.  Snyder had this to say:

“The messages of Captain Planet are even more relevant today.  We feel this team can bring the world’s first eco-hero to life in a powerful motion picture that is not only pertinent but entertaining.”

Murphy, riding that wave of eco-friendly excitement, had this to say:

“We are extremely excited about bringing the good Captain back to life.  His adventures are known worldwide and he is recognized across generations. We expect to make a spectacular series of films with the amazing team at Cartoon Network.”

Not just one film, SERIES of films.  They love their franchises!  Not to be outdone, Montford said:

“With the earthquakes, tornadoes, melting icebergs and all the other problems threatening the world right now, Earth really needs her greatest defender.”

(Quotes taken from official press release.  Read more: ComingSoon)

Captain Planet, single-handedly saving the world from devastation, one boring movie at a time!  I like that the new Captain Planet has the power not only to destroy pollution, but natural disasters as well.  Because the humans really messed up the eco-system, we’ve made Mother Nature so angry that she punishes us with earthquakes and tornadoes in her reign of terror.  Only the Captain can save us from her bitchy ways, and villains who would spray aerosol cans into the atmosphere willy-nilly.  Al Gore, the obvious choice to play Captain Planet, would finally repair our diminishing ozone layer and put a stop to global warming for good!  That sounds like one hell of a movie!

I will admit that I found this show entertaining.  I was also eight.  Either they’re going to market this film to children, which only works if the characters are animated, or it will never get greenlighted.  There are PSA’s much shorter than two hours; and I don’t need a blue-skinned flying man to tell me what biodegradable means.  At least not in the movie theater where I throw my empty popcorn tub under the seat instead of in a designated trash receptacle.

Further proof that not everything should be made into a movie.