Tag Archives: WWE

SPORTS

WWE Monday Night Raw Recap & Review: 6/11/12

Leave a comment


Tonight’s Raw was 3 hours long, which usually means we get around 30 minutes of actual wrestling, and 2 1/2 hours of video packages and skits. So I was not surprised when Raw began with John Laurinaitis entering the ring, closely followed by Vince McMahon, who is here to give Mr.Laurinaitis his performance evaluation. On TV. Like all normal chairmen do. Watching the whole segment was a series of weirdly and poorly rehearsed dialogue that was botched continually by both men involved, and many of their lines were flubbed so often it made me start looking at the abundance of misspelled crowd signs, many saying “your fired” (sic).

So the two old executive types argue for a bit about Laurinaitis’ future, with Johnny L himself claiming to have been serving the people’s wishes, (which he has, people just don’t realize what a great heel character he is), until Sheamus shows up and throws insults at Laurinaitis, making Big L schedule a match for Sheamus, because all insults and transgressions in wrestling are settled by a match. Vince then tells Laurinaitis that if the match isn’t impressive, and if every match In the show tonight isn’t up to par, then he’ll be fired. As I Thought, it’s YOU’RE FIIIIIRRRRRED Vince who is partially returning tonight. Vince then crashes Laurinaitis’ super scooter off the stage, ruining one of Laurinaitis’ better character props.  I imagine that backstage he was using it to try to gain sympathy from other wrestlers, playing up the wounded lion card as hard as he could, not realizing everybody knows that it’s not even needed for kayfabe reasons, but he truly thinks he’s a mastermind duping everybody and looking totally awesome while doing it.

Sheamus’ opponent is revealed to be Lord Tensai, who I really can’t stand and is probably the only person I’d cheer for Sheamus to defeat. Between the two it’s a match where two boring invincible white guys fight each other until Sheamus manages to brogue kick Tensai and nab the win. After his defeat by Cena, Tensai is now broken, he’s lost his undefeatable power and possibly his mystical asian powers too, and is now just a normal Tensai and has lost his rights to Lordship. Or something. Either way, it was a boring match.

Backstage, Vince McMahon tells Laurinaitis that match is strike one towards Laurinaitis getting fired. To be fair it was a pretty horrible match, and Johnny starts to scramble for ideas and actually asks Teddy Long for match advice. This might as well be career suicide because Teddy has never made an interesting or creative match ever. His entire thought process is:

Wrestlers? Feud? “Lemme Hep you a minnut playa!”, Impromptu Tag team match? Feud settled? ??? Dancing!

This is all he knows.

Teddy suggests a 4 way elimination match with Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, The Great Khali, and Christian, which aside from being a very loosely associated group (former world champions? Khali had the belt? What a dark and horrible thought). He stipulates the winner will face Sheamus for the title at No Way Out. This isn’t too bad, because it means either Ziggler or Christian will end up at No Way Out, unless they’ve gone full retard and really decide to push Great Khali as someone who can do anything other than painfully limp around and fake chop people. Of course, Vince loves the idea and Laurinaitis sends Teddy off to get coffee. This is a new/interestkng spin for Teddy’s character, and him becoming the downtrodden matchup genius who is stymied by his superiors, and gets the credit for his booking ideas stolen, is a neat one, and I’d be into it, if it was literally anyone with a booking history other than Teddy Long.  But WWE hates continuity, so we’ll have to keep pretending like Teddy is some kind of matchup genius who has been unjustly wronged. Surprisingly, we return to the ring, where Tensai is insulting and attacking his man-servant Sakamoto, because he’s a big angry baby who hates losing.

Then there’s a video package commemorating the upcoming 1000 episodes of Raw milestone, by showing a 2009 clip where Seth Green showed up and hosted/wrestled, because THAT was a defining Raw moment, somehow. Seth green, wrestling legend. You know. Because that makes sense. Anyhow, we cut to R-Truth talking up the match between Big Show and John Cena at No Way Out, until Big Show’s fist Monty Pythons its way into the screen, smashing R-Truth in the face, knocking him out cold. We barely even see Big Show, he walks away really soon and the camera just focuses on R-truth laying unconscious.

Assuming that Show plans to continue to do this to the entire roster, it makes me think that Big Show’s new contract also includes secret invisibility powers, because HOW do you miss that man coming at you fists clenched? Maybe he got detachable rocket fists with his new contract, or some kind of psychic ability to innately stay out of peripheral vision? Anything to explain R-truth and John Cena both not noticing GIANT FISTS coming at them somehow.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen an inter-gender tag match, but the match itself was fairly entertaining, as Ricardo is a talented spot taker, and Santino is at the very least, good at comedy matches.  Plus the inclusion of them in the match made this pseudo-divas match last longer than the usual 2 minutes in its entirety. Beth wins the match by defeating Layla, and Ricardo starts celebrating as if he’d won himself. Santino then jumps up, and rips off Ricardo’s dress shirt, revealing a purple Justin Bieber shirt underneath. And that’s a sentence I just typed. Wow.

Apparently Ricardo isn’t a true Belieber.

Backstage David Otunga is talking with Vince McMahon, and is trying to snipe Laurinaitis’ job, IF he gets fired. Vince counters that he doesn’t like people who “pucker up”, backstab others, or lawyers. Which is weird, because of those three things, only Lawyer is something Vince hasn’t forced others to do or has been himself. Clearly he’s forgotten his whole reign during the Attitude era. Kofi Kingston enters demanding a match with Big show, in revenge for Show taking out R-Truth earlier, and Laurinaitis calls his incredibly stupid bluff, and puts him in a cage match with Show. So let’s look forward to Kofi Kingston hopefully getting WMD’d into oblivion, and never wrestling again, and we’ll finally be free of the suffix “Boom” being added to wrestling lexicon in any way shape or form.

Thankfully, we cut to Daniel Bryan who starts a promo about his triple threat match with himself, CM Punk and Kane at No Way Out, and proceeds to comment on the interaction between all of them and AJ. It’s a decent promo, and it furthers his character motivation for winning the match at No Way Out, and then CM Punk appears. Punk lays down a bevy of insults towards Daniel Bryan and continues his backhanded compliments towards AJ by stating again that he digs crazy chicks. They trade insults and hints towards their respective ROH past, and Punk basically explains out loud, that despite Daniel Bryan saying he’s sold out, he’s still the same guy he was last year when he made his 4th wall breaking promo. This is interesting, because a lot of fans have criticized Punk for basically acting like a heel, despite currently being face. In effect, this explains his actions, as he hasn’t actually changed his admittedly dickish, heelish behavior that much, he just has more fans now. It’s a good thing, because it makes sense, and goes a long way towards setting up his inevitable heel turn in the future, whenever that may be.

Punk continues insulting Daniel Bryan coming up with a new chant for anti-Bryan fans, by calling him goat face. The crowd chants “GOATFACE GOATFACE”, which is pretty funny any way you slice it. These two have great chemistry together, and I could watch them wrestle and/or argue all day. Then Kane has to come and ruin it all with his fire music, and walks in with a mic, and says dumb things about how eeeeeevil he is, and how he’s gonna win the championship. Then of course, AJ enters the ring, and actually starts to begin a possible LOVE TRIANGLE (wait, 4 people… Love Square? Whatever) storyline with Kane, claiming she saw that he has a heart, deep down, after looking into his eyes. Which really proves that she IS crazy, because he’s KANE. The guy who literally drags people to hell, sets them on fire, and is a goddamned rapist. So I guess that match at No Way Out isn’t just for the WWE title, but also for AJ’S LOVE. Which kinda makes me wish I was a wrestler and could be in that match, because screw the title amirite? But sadly, this is not the case. I’m imagining the worst case scenario being this whole thing turning into a situation where she seduces all three of them and they have the worlds worst 4-way, and we’re forced to see Kane, Punk and Bryan all Eiffel Tower AJ while Zack Ryder films it for his YouTube channel. Thank god we don’t live in the dark world my mind creates, because that would officially be The Worst Thing.

Regardless of that horrible image I put in your head, there was no video of this segment yet, so this picture will have to suffice.

“Once You Go Bryan, There’s No Point In Tryin’, AWWW YEAAAHHH”- Actual quote by Daniel Bryan during this segment I wish I had video of.

Laurinaitis then interrupts, and borrows a page from Teddy Long’s handbook, and schedules all 4 of them to have a tag team match. It’s an hour and change into Raw, and so far we’ve had two matches of actual wrestling. I’m hoping that this isn’t the precedent that will be set for the July 23rd change, when Raw permanently becomes 3 hours long. Who am I kidding, of course it will be.

Great Khali is not a wrestler. He cannot wrestle.  He is bad at his job, and is only there to appeal to Indian wrestling fans, which is a sizable demographic, so i understand why he’s necessary, but holy crap is it impossible to employ an actually talented wrestler of Indian ethnicity? Even Jinder Mahal is a lousy, boring, borderline racist jobber. Get someone talented, named him the The Bollywood Basher or something, and fire Khali. The man can barely walk, I’m sure he just wants to relax and rub some icy-hot into his probably aching joints.  I’m also sure he’s a great person in real life, but holy crap I do not want to see him chop people anymore. It’s awful.

So after Khali is eliminated, the match picks up greatly, and we get a great series of setups and spots between Dolph Ziggler and Christian, that leads to Ziggler finally getting a clean win and becoming the #1 Contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. It’s about time Ziggler gets his due, because he deserves to be at the top, and even if he loses his match for the title, it’ll advance him further as the best #Heel in WWE.

For Realsies.

This scene with Vince and the Funkadactyls is notable for two reasons:

1.) It finally gives the Funkadactyls actual purpose and character, even if they’re kinda annoying.
2.) Vince McMahon summoning Brodus Clays music, disco ball, and mood lighting OUT OF NOWHERE is goddamned funny. Dude’s got swagger.

Follow it up with Zach Ryder standing there, reacting exactly the same way I did, made it even sweeter.

Ryback’s jobbers this week are named Willard Fillmore and Rutherford P.S Hayes. Anytime you get historical presidential references in WWE, it’s a guaranteed awesome moment, even if they’re doomed to be power bombed to death. If anything this needs to continue, where each week the Jobbers Ryback wrestles get more and more bizarre, until he’s literally pitted against three 4′ 8″ historically accurate wrestling versions of history’s major players. This week! Ryback vs The Founding Fathers, Benjamin “Shocker” Franklin, Thomas “Sugar” Jefferson, and John “The Cock” Hancock! Then Ryback ends the match by ripping up the Articles of Confederation and forcing them to write the Declaration of Independence.

Or maybe he’ll just keep Goldberging new local skinny guys to sate his man flesh addiction. Either way, I’m looking forward to it.

Back from the break, we see Vince McMahon getting back in touch with his illegitimate child, Hornswoggle (seriously, thats WWE canon), and then John Cena enters to convince McMahon to fire Laurinaitis, by belittling him. Vince then tells Cena to NOT interfere with Kofi Kingstons ma… his mat… Sorry, his MAHahaahahah sorry, Kofi Kingstons MATCH (pffft) against Big Show. The thought of Kofi up against New Monster Big Show in a cage match is actually laughable to me. Anyhow, then McMahon considers giving Cena some sort of involvement in tonight’s show. Otunga enters, and gets insulted by McMahon, we see William Regal looking sad, and we all die a little inside.

Surprise. Big Show wins. Kofi sadly doesn’t die in ring. Next.

Sin Cara is back on Raw again, and brings his mood lighting with him. I’m not sure why he has mood lighting for his matches, but I bet it can’t be beneficial to his vision with that mask on. Maybe its same sort of thing where he summons mood lighting via his presence alone, and it’s an ability he learned from Vince McMahon. Anyhow, Sin Cara does a bunch of flips and pins Hawkins. Sin Cara racks up another win, and maybe one day we’ll get to see him wrestle someone interesting.

Backstage, Vince approaches Daniel Bryan. This segment is for all the Smarks out there, who are aware of Vince’s propensity to not hire guys who he thinks are “Too small” to compete in the WWE. He likens Daniel Bryan to someone you would see on the street and never expect to be a wrestler, let alone a world champion. We’re then treated to a glorious moment where Bryan utterly shuts down Vince by bringing up his previous firing, his subsequent re-hiring and proving everyone who doubted him wrong, and most of all, proclaiming (correctly) that he and Vince are both self-made success stories. Vince then smugly reminds him of his 18 second Wrestlemania loss, and wanders away, because making a real point would take an effort. Daniel Bryan brushes it off, and readies himself for his upcoming match. Then we’re told that John Laurinaitis has invited a former superstar to compete in tonight’s show, in commemoration of the 1000 episodes of Raw thing again.

And the former “Main Eventer” is: VADER. Holy crap! I didn’t even know he was still alive!

Vader shows up, looking in surprisingly good shape for a dude his size and age. The crowds enthusiasm for Vader alone, begins to wear against Heath Slater’s stamina, and we all know a stiff breeze can take him out. So it’s pretty unsurprising when the fans begin chanting “Vader Bomb”, and Vader then ends it with a Vader Bomb. Cutting to AJ, we see Punk comforting her by assuring her that he’ll keep her safe in the match, and AJ responds with her continued Overly Attached Girlfriend act, and kisses him on the cheek.

This matches whole dynamic is pretty much a glorified handicap match. CM Punk literally even says so in an earlier segment. Punk accidentally bumps into AJ and the Ref for some reason considers it a tag. AJ then enters the ring and faces Kane. She stares at him for a few seconds, smiles, and then starts SKIPPING IN CIRCLES AROUND HIM, LEAPS INTO HIS ARMS, STRADDLES HIM, AND FULL ON KISSES HIM ON THE MOUTH. It was astounding. I never thought I’d EVER say this, but holy crap, Kane is getting to first base on Raw, consensually! Furthermore, I’m ODDLY JEALOUS OF HIM. Kane stands there, dumbfounded, and utterly confused, tags in Daniel Bryan, and probably tucks his boner back, when out of camera. Daniel Bryan steps in the ring with AJ, and she tags in Punk, who quickly elbow drops Bryan and wins the match. Kane walks away, still puzzled and probably horny, while AJ sits in the ring and smiles oddly at CM Punk, and generally just looks adorable. Everyone else in the world, is f*cking confused.

Returning from the break, Vince McMahon struts back out into the ring, surrounded by security guards to give John Laurinaitis his performance evaluation. Laurinaitis enters the ring to be evaluated, and Vince tells him the guards are here to escort Laurinaitis out of the ring, after he fires him. John then argues for his job using People Power as the backbone of his argument. Right before Vince can fire Laurinaitis, Big Show interrupts, and enters the ring. Big Show backs up Laurinaitis, mentions how his Ironclad Contract can let him do whatever he wants, and even if Vince fires him, he’d end up paying him millions of dollars,(MILLIONSOFDOLLASMILLIONSOFDOLLASMILLIONSOFDOLLARS!)for many years, to do nothing. Which sounds like a pretty great contract if you ask me.

Show then brings up every stupid costume, appearance, promo, backstage story and embarrassing moment in his career, blaming it on the behest of Vince McMahon. Tired of being his dancing monkey, Show declares himself a GIANT (WCW yay!), rallies against John Cena, and of course, is interrupted by Cena himself. Cena charges down, tries to blame Laurinaitis for all of his and Show’s problems, ignoring all of the completely valid reasons Show has given over the last two weeks for his actions. He then tries to say that Show is somehow selfish or greedy for being mad at having to do stupid bullshit for 14 years, and then suggests that if Show doesn’t beat him at No Way Out, somehow Show will have nobody to blame but himself for his actions, which makes as much sense as AJ falling for Kane, but I digress.

Cena then calls Show a sell out, and asks him what will happen if Show loses? Vince then says he’ll be at No Way Out, and makes a new stipulation to the match. That stipulation being if he loses, he’ll fire Laurinaitis on the spot. Show then attacks Cena, the body guards intervene, and Show starts throwing them around too. Laurinaitis and McMahon then try to stop Cena and Big Show from fighting. Big Show accidentally knocks out McMahon, and is then put on backstage time out by Laurinaitis. The show ends on a shot of Vince McMahon, unconscious.

Then they took his shoes and wallet.

So, this is probably what we’re gonna start getting come July 23rd. A 3 hour show, with around 40-50 minutes of wrestling at best. That’s not to say I wasn’t entertained by tonight’s Raw, I definitely was, but the pacing has been better than the first hour consisting of only 2 matches. I’m going to remain optimistic, and hope that the new format will force them to structure their shows better, and improve Raw overall.

It probably won’t though. Oh well.

SPORTS

WWE Monday Night Raw Recap & Review: 6/4/12

Leave a comment


We open with a really over the top dramatic recap of last weeks raw, complete with wailing middle eastern music, showing Big Show further emphasizing his new heel turn, as he beats on fan favorites Santino and Zack Ryder. Big Show is exactly the kind of heel I like, and its been a long time since he’s been the unstoppable big monster character. Most importantly, his motivations, while simple, make sense, are consistent, and it’s fun to watch him really be the big bad he should be. Mark Henry does this sometimes, until he suddenly decides not to, and fades away into the ether for a month or so. Michael Cole comes out, and summons John Cena to the ring, (I mean, not literally, but that’d be a great gimmick for both of them), blaming him for Show’s heel turn and Show’s subsequent actions. They argue back and forth awhile until John Laurinaitis shows up in his super scooter, ( love it) and gives Cena a match, as long as it’s not against himself, or Show in turn, as his contract now guarantees rest days. Cena parades around, and then challenges Michael Cole to a match, because reasons, while Cole protests, screaming to Lauriniaitis to reconsider.

After the break, Cole confronts Laurinaitis backstage, begging to be relieved of his match with Cena, which makes Laurinaitis smugly and directly dismiss Coles pleas. It’s possibly the first ever truly crowd pleasing decision he’s ever made, and he wheels out of there, leaving Cole standing, dumbfounded.  Vickie Guerrero enters the stage, and announces Dolph Zigglers entrance, stating that DZ is “Better than you, at everything he does”, which will probably piss off Jericho whenever he returns, since that’s literally a word away from his catchphrase, which was a huge point of contention just a few months ago when he feuded with CM Punk over who was “best in the world”.

I’m glad Ziggler is getting back into singles matches. I liked his team up with Jack Swagger, but the WWE never seemed keen putting them as legit tag title contenders, nor do they seem interested in an actual tag division lately, as their current champions, R-Truth and Kofi Kingston seemed to be teamed up for no reason other than “both are black?” I digress, since the match between Ziggler and Sheamus served as a pretty good example of yet another case where we see Ziggler show us how to make losing look really good. Nobody takes a brogue kick to the face like Ziggler.

This is actually from an older match, but JESUS GOD.

Sheamus celebrates on the ramp, pounding his chest like usual until he’s interrupted by Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez, who beat the tar out of him, and Del Rio puts him in an armlock, totally hurting Sheamus’ arm for realsies. Backstage, Laurinaitus is approached by the inimitable David Otunga, who mentions that next week, Vince McMahon will be returning to give Laurinaitus a job evaluation. No word on whether it’ll be NO CHANCE IN HELL Vince, Kiss my Ass Vince,  YOU’RE FIRRRREEDD Vince, or just business man Vince. Either way it’ll definitely be a thing that happens. Ahem.

Sin Cara’s new entrance is interesting, because pre-injury he used to enter the ring with a jumping flip off a trampoline that the cameras desperately didn’t want the viewers at home to know about. Camacho and Hunico, shock of shockers, are actually on Raw, and despite their gimmick being really lame and borderline offensive, Hunico manages to pull off a successful jobbing to Sin Cara, and Sin Cara’s push continues.

The undefeated Skip Sheffield Ryback, makes his official debut on Raw. It’d seem they’re trying to get more of the talent from Smackdown on Raw lately, as Smackdown has made a considerable improvement from B-Show to actually-kinda-interesting side-show in the past couple months. Ryback reminds me of those old generic wrestling figures you’d beg your mom to buy you in the dollar store, only come to life, right down to his “taunt” being the inability to move his arms laterally. The two local jobbers they have this time, have a terrible moment trying to read their awful lines simultaneously, and are quickly dispatched by Ryback, who belts out his catchphrase, “Feed me more!” because he apparently craves young skinny man flesh.

Punk and Kane are now having a weird triangle feud with Daniel Bryan, as Kane has been used as an instrument by both Bryan and Punk in their respective feud, and Kane isn’t really having any of it from either of them. Bryan comes out ringside, stands on the announcer’s table, and cuts a quick Q & A promo. I love these because it gives the audience a great chance to shout “Yes!”, or in the case of this particular audience, shout “No!”. Either way it’s great for Bryan , because he makes a great heel who gets exactly the right kind of heat he should get from an audience, regardless if they hate him or love him. Do I love him? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

CM Punks match with Kane is pretty typical, he’s very accomplished at elevating his competitors moves, and making all their spots look really great for both. It’s a testament to his ability, that he makes Kane look good, because frankly, Kane has lost it, and his fruit roll up mask does him no favors in making him any better than he was in the Attitude era, or even a few years ago. His new/old gimmick doesn’t work, because all of his decisions are so stupid and random. ( hurr imma attack Randy Orton for no reason! He’s not invincible or anything!) Granted that was a few months ago, but his character hasn’t really done anything interesting since he suddenly returned after somehow growing two feet of hair in a month or so.  After some struggling and mild interference from Bryan, AJ comes out, ostensibly trying to point out Daniel Bryan’s interference, until Punk gets distracted attacking Bryan, and loses to Kane via choke slam. Of course, there’s then a woman in the ring with Kane, which means its time for him to threateningly stand there, until AJ strangely smiles at him, probably trying to use her mind powers to calm his “inner beast”. Or maybe he was just awestruck by her hotness, didn’t know what to do, and left like an awkward high school teen? Kane is dumb, is what i’m saying.

AJ is going further down the crazy/aggressive/effing super sexy route, and starts sexually intimidating Josh Matthews. Well as much as she can in this new PG era. I like seeing her assert herself, I like seeing her character interact with Punk and Bryan, and most of all, I like seeing her in short short cutoffs.

Big Show as a heel works. This was a good video package, and I’m stoked to see him feud with any and everybody who he deems is in his way. It’s a welcome return to his “unstoppable giant” character, that I loved from his old WCW days. I approve.

Both Kofi and Truth show up visibly bandaged from their attack by Big Show last week, and throw down against Hawkins and Reks, in a fairly anemic tag team match. It’s hard to get involved in a tag match, when both teams don’t really have any chemistry, and it makes the whole thing forgettable and boring. Also Kofi Kingstons theme song is the worst thing to ever get stuck in your head ever, and I hate it with an unholy passion.

The entire night, Michael Cole has been fearing and dreading his match with John Cena, and has been trying to find some sort of way out of the match, even going to such lengths as to beg all the WWE fans on social media, to convince Laurinaitis to rescind his decision, via people power!

Right before the match begins, Laurinaitis comes out, and announces our real main event, claiming Cena will have to defeat Lord Tensai, in order to get his match with Cole. Cole is ecstatic, and we get a match of Cena pretending to be challenged by a fat, fake Japanese wrestler.  Fake Japanese as in a wrestler from Japan, not that Tensai is literally supposed to be Japanese, or that he didn’t actually wrestle in Japan, because he did, but he’s still just as boring to me as Cena is, his gimmick is really really lame, and the whole thing is fake to me. Tensai and Cena both suffer from big invincible white guy syndrome, and watching them both fight you’d think would be an interesting match, but I find them so inherently uninteresting. The only enjoyable thing about it was watching Cole really get jazzed about Tensai defeating Cena, only to eventually smack Cena himself, leading to Jerry Lawler standing up and giving him an official Officials’ time out.

Cena eventually lands the 5 moves of Doom on Tensai, secures the win, and Cole attempts to run out of the arena, before being brought back into the ring. Cole first asks mercy from Cena, and attempts to settle things with a handshake, and is then goaded into taunting Cena, ends up poking his finger into his chest, until John Cena starts literally stripping him down to his underwear, and starts slapping him around, then forces him to apologize to Jerry Lawler and JR for all the feuds he’s had with them in the past. Then of all things, he starts forcing Cole to admit he loves JRs BBQ sauce, which of course, Lawler *always* keeps ringside. Cena drenches Cole in the sauce, and sprays him with a fire extinguisher, making it officially one of the more confusing and subtly homoerotic comedy matches of all time. Cena seems dominant right up until Lord Tensai jumps in and choke slams him, leaving us to think Cole will weasel another victory under his belt, but Robo-Cena kicks out, and adjusts Coles’ attitude, taking the win.

It’s not often you see the final match on Raw, ending with both participants covered in BBQ sauce, one spraying a fire extinguisher in celebration, the other stripped down to his underwear, wailing aloud. How do I feel about comedy matches being the main event of a PPV and now a Raw? I’m personally okay with it, as long as it is entertaining. I watch WWE to be entertained. I go in knowing I’m not going to see GREAT WRESTLING. If I want that I’ll pop in a Chikara or ROH dvd. Or look up regional matches on youtube. Like it or not, this is what WWE is now, and that will sometimes include slathering nearly naked men in BBQ sauce.

SPORTS

Logical predictions for ‘John Cena vs. The Rock’ at Wrestlemania 28

5 Comments

Here’s the truth – I was content just sitting back until Wrestlemania and seeing what happens in the much anticipated main event clash between John Cena and the Rock. However, I can only read so many articles where a writer shoves his biased, bullshit, illogical opinion down my throat until I finally have to speak up. Here’s the deal Bleacher Report, I get it, you all like the Rock, and furthermore, you all seem to be convinced that John Cena is going to turn heel after or during his match at Wrestlemania, but you never seem to offer a valid explanation as to why. So right now, I’m going to take time out of my day to tell you all exactly why it’s not going to happen!

Over the past six years, the WWE has pushed John Cena as the face of the company. From make-a-wish trips, to anti-bullying campaigns, to representing the WWE at major sporting events, John Cena has done it all for the company. Let me ask you something, after years of investing all of this effort into John Cena being the man to respectfully represent the company, why in the Hell would they turn him heel? Who would the WWE send to anti-bullying campaigns?? The bad guy in the company?? I don’t think so! There is more to John Cena’s character than just his contribution to a storyline. I’ve been hearing about this John Cena heel turn for years, and low and behold it has not happened!

Not only would a John Cena heel turn be about the phoniest heel turn since good ole’ JR, but it would be extremely bad for business. Look into any crowd, on any given Monday Night Raw and you’ll see thousands of children pack the arena decked out in John Cena gear. John Cena has become an idol to the younger viewers with his superman like physique and his “never say die,” mentallity. Should John Cena turn heel, whose merchandise are these young fans buying?? That’s right, nobody’s, because nobody’s character appeals to younger fans the way Cena’s does. A Cena heel turn would not only kill merchandise sales, but also lose viewers. The move would be all around bad for business, and I think the WWE knows this!

Although I heavily knock this prediction, I will say that I wouldn’t ever rule the possibility out completely. It would not be the first time that the WWE has made a bad character decision, I just find it to be nearly impossible at this point.

Continue reading Logical predictions for ‘John Cena vs. The Rock’ at Wrestlemania 28 →

SPORTS

A Preview of the WWE’s 25th Royal Rumble PPV

Leave a comment

Tonight will mark the WWE’s 25th anniversary of the Royal Rumble PPV, and in my opinion this year’s event could very well be the most memorable in years. Most years, the Royal Rumble features around four matches, with the 30 man over the top rope, Royal Rumble match being the main event of the night. Many years we see the other matches on the Royal Rumble card, not carry a whole lot of significance in comparison to the actual Royal Rumble match itself, however this doesn’t seem to be the case this year. In my opinion, there are four matches tonight that are going to be huge going into the next couple months leading up to Wrestlemania.

In the first of these important matches, Daniel Bryan defends his heavyweight title against the Big Show and Mark Henry inside of a steel cage. Over the past month, Daniel Bryan has grown to be despised by wrestling fans that are even remotely interested in the Smackdown brand. Week after week, the notoriously boring champion has squeaked by with his championship still around his waist in matches that he should be losing it in. It would seem that tonight, it would almost be impossible for Bryan to Houdini his way out of a steel cage while competing against both the Big Show and Mark Henry, but something tells me this is exactly what’s going to happen.


For the past month, I and many other fans have been tuning into Smackdown excited to see somebody beat Bryan for his heavyweight title, and week after week, I have been disappointed. With a Smackdown storyline that is still actually grabbing people’s attention, I don’t think it is smart for the WWE to give this story up quite yet, and I think they know this as well.  However, if I see either of the other two walking out of the Rumble with the title, it’s Mark Henry.  This would open the door for Mark Henry to carry on a championship rivalry with somebody else, while still allowing for the Big Show and Daniel Bryan to continue their already heated feud.

The next of the important matches for tonight’s PPV is John Cena vs. Kane. Though this match might not have a championship at stake in it, it is still just as important in other ways. John Cena is two months away from what will possibly be the biggest pro wrestling match of all time, I’m of course talking about his match with the Rock at Wrestlemania 28. Over the past month and a half, Kane has targeted John Cena, in an attempt to get him to give up his “rise above hate,” gimmick and “embrace hate,” as Kane does. Week after week, Kane has targeted John’s good friend Zack Ryder in an attempt to fuel a fire in John Cena and in the past couple of weeks, we seem to see it working.

If John Cena wins this match tonight, this could provide much-needed momentum to carry him through the next couple of months as a baby face leading into his match with the Rock in April. However, if he loses, I’m afraid we may see a heel turn for John Cena in the near future. I have expressed my opinions, on this in previous articles, so I wont say anything besides the fact that this would be a huge disappointment to myself and every other wrestling fan who was the looking forward to a generation vs. generation match. Wrestling fans don’t want to see a hero vs. heel match at Wrestlemania, they want to see a hero vs. hero match.

The next match on the agenda is CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler for the WWE championship with Johnny Ace (Yes, I’m going to call him that) as the special guest referee. I honestly can now say that I have no idea how this one is going to play out. Cm Punk has been on fire over the past 7 months, and having him remain champion going into Wrestlemania just seems to make sense at this point. On the other hand Dolph Ziggler could be a promising main event caliber wrestler for the future and giving him the belt now would give him a couple of months to gain both popularity and momentum going into a Wrestlemania title defense.

Now aside from all of this, the John Laurinaitis storyline does add another dimension to this match. We found out last week that Johnny Ace, is skating on thin ice with the board of directors and any indication that he intends on still screwing CM Punk out of his championship tonight will probably result in him being removed from his position as interim GM of Raw.  Whatever happens tonight will definitely have implications for who walks into Wrestlemania with the belt, and where each of these storylines goes heading into April.

The last match, and quite possibly the biggest match of the night is the Royal Rumble match. Here is the first thing I will say: I am going to be pissed if Jericho comes in and wins this thing! He is washed up, and completely irrelevant now, it would be a waste to see him win this and bore us at Wrestlemania with an uninteresting title match.

The weird thing about this one is that it’s hard to predict a win for anyone because we don’t even know who is going to be in it other than Mick Foley, and the Miz. Whoever wins this one tonight, I don’t see a disappointing win. Whoever wins this match will, as always, go to Wrestlemania to wrestle for whichever title they chose. With the Rock and Cena on the same card, I think they are going to need a Hell of a co-main event, and whoever wins the Royal Rumble could be the one to make that happen.

I will be watching intently tonight to see how the WWE is going to begin what is sure to be one Hell of a 2012!

SPORTS

WWE Updates: Jericho, Ziggler, and Brodus Clay!

1 Comment

Happy New Year, from one pro wrestling fan to many others! It’s been a while since I have written a WWE article, and a lot has happened since that time, so I want to give some updates and reactions on recent events in the world of pro wrestling. From returns, resurgences, to up and coming superstars, we’ve had a lot happen over the last four months so let’s get to it!

Now, am I the only person who couldn’t care less about Chris Jericho? I care about Jericho like I care about Christian – I don’t. He has never been entertaining on a mic or in a ring, and not once in his meaningless career can I recall him being incorporated into a storyline that I thought was even remotely entertaining. So with that being said, my question is why three weeks in a row do we see this  over-rated , no talent ass clown come out to the ring, and not say a single word?

Here’s the deal, last year right around this time, every WWE fan was glued to their tv when the Undertaker made his silent return. He came to the ring, and was greeted by Triple H, and not a single word was said, just a foreshadowing stare from both men up at the Wrestle-mania 27 sign. The crazy thing about this whole scene was that it was entertaining because both men have, over the course of their careers, captured the attention of every fan. Chris Jericho has not done this, and after weeks of ridiculous promo videos for the return of a mysterious superstar, seeing Chris Jericho come out as the mystery man was, in my opinion one big fat disappointment. I just wanted to get that out of the way.

Now, let’s move onto more important topics. In less than three months Wrestlemania is going down in Miami Florida, and we will see John Cena vs. The Rock, which may possibly be the most hyped match in WWE history. I feel it necessary for a self-proclaimed pro-wrestling expert such as myself to put in my two cents on this match, so here it goes.


I like the idea, exactly ten years ago we saw another generation vs. generation match between The Rock and Hulk Hogan. This time the Rock is being looked at as the elder and John Cena representing the “new” or “current” generation. My one complaint (and I seem to be full of them so far in this article) is that I don’t think they have properly built John Cena’s character over the last year to make this match what fans want to see. Fans want a hero vs. hero match, arguably the two best superstars ever facing off at the biggest event of the year. What I expected them to do with Cena’s character over the past year is build him up as this unstoppable force who could tear through anybody anytime, kind of like they did five years ago with him. Instead they’ve almost shown him getting weaker, which leads me to my prediction for Wrestlemania.

There are two scenarios I can see happening, the first of which may be a bit redundant if you take into consideration the Rock/Hogan storyline from Wrestlemania 18. In scenario one, John Cena will lose at Wrestlemania, and after being booed heavily by the crowd (most of which too young to even remember the rock for anything more than his crappy Disney movies) Cena will turn heel. I have been annoyed for years at speculation of John Cena turning heel, but I think at this point, it may be the only logical conclusion. In scenario two, John Cena will win the match, and he and the Rock will let bygones be bygones and because the Rock approves of John Cena now, the crowd will return to the side of Cena. As I said, I hope that for the sake of redundancy, we don’t see John Cena turn heel, but I have no idea what the writers will try to do with this story line.

One wrestler I am continually impressed with is Dolph Ziggler. I have said since I began writing on this website that I really think that he has the ability to sell tickets to shows, and really be a main draw on the card. In two weeks, Dolph Ziggler is scheduled to face CM Punk at the Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View for the WWE title, and I think it’s about damn time we see him in a title match.

For too long, the WWE has been trying to push lame ass wrestlers like “the Miz” and “Alberto Del Rio,” while guys like Dolph Ziggler and Zack Ryder have sat the bench and wrestled in mid-card piss break matches. Even with Johnny Ace as the special guest referee, I don’t see Ziggler taking the title. CM Punk is drawing the viewers and at this point there is no reason to change the title to someone like Ziggler. Although I don’t see Ziggler taking the title, it wouldn’t shock me either. The WWE has got to start pushing some new headliners, and as I have harped on, I believe Ziggler has the in ring ability to be one of them. With a little bit of a character change I can see him being a wrestler that fans look forward to watching.

Up until December I was asking myself the same question that every other wrestling fan was asking themself; what can Smackdown do to make its show even more uninteresting?? However, at the TLC pay-per-view we got our answer, make Daniel Bryan the heavyweight champion! I mean the champion is supposed to be the main draw on your show, and who worse to attempt to draw viewers than somebody whose character and fan base are both completely non-existent! I really think at this point they need to completely merge the two brands and have only one champion. Have all wrestlers fighting for one championship, instead of one brand having the real title, and the other the boring one.

 One wrestler who has gotten me relatively excited over the past couple of months is Kane! With the resurgence of the “masked-monster from Hell,” Kane, the WWE has shown a shred of signs of itself from the attitude era. Even with TVPG restrictions, I have been impressed with what they have so far done with Kane’s character. My only hope is that they continue to evolve his character and push the envelope with what he does as an entertainer, and not just run the same ideas into the ground with him. I have faith that his character will provide another dimension to Raw, and another storyline that fans look forward to seeing the progression of week to week.

The last topic I want to touch on is Brodus Clay! Actually I don’t want to talk about Brodus, I don’t believe talking is necessary, just take a look at Mr. Funkasauris himself….

I want to thank the WWE writers personally for not having Brodus Clay debut as just another big wrestler who beats up other men in tights, and giving this hunk of love some character!

That is my rant, I will be back in a few months, post Wrestlemania to do more updates, and shove more of my opinions into all of your faces. Happy New Year again!

Movie Trailers

Godzark’s (Overly Optimistic) Preview of INSIDE OUT: It’s bound to be “Right Side Up.”

3 Comments

Every once in a great while I see a movie preview that gets me so excited that I lose sleep the week of its release. A movie that even with only a 30 second trailer, I know is going to keep my eyes glued to the screen for two hours. This week a movie is set for release that fits these characteristics, and that movie is called, Inside Out.

Inside Out, stars Triple H, Parker Posey, Bruce Dern, a jar of pickles, and an acting legend that we’ll discuss in just a little bit. First though – Triple H.

Sure Triple H has made quite a name for himself in the world of professional wrestling, but his accomplishments in the squared circle mean nothing in the world of professional acting. Let’s face it, most of us see a movie trailer with a professional wrestler in it and we instantly throw it into the “Do not see,” pile in our head, however for Triple H’s new movie, Inside Out, this may not be the case.

This is how I shower.

In the movie Inside Out, Triple H has teamed up with acting icon, MICHAEL RAPAPORT to bring audiences two hours of non-stop action gold! Michael Rapaport’s acting prowess has been seen time and time again in every movie he has done, so one can only imagine the honor it must be for Triple H, being chosen to star on the big screen with him. For those who have been living under a rock, or have not ever treated themselves to a film or television show with Mr. Rapaport in it, let me introduce this man to you all.

New York native Michael Rapaport has, for over 20 years, left his mark in the entertainment business, starring in both movies and television shows. With such seminal films as, The 6th Day , Deep Blue Sea , and Dr. Dolittle 2 , Michael Rappaport has shared his gift of acting with the rest of the world, all while solidifying his legacy as the world’s greatest entertainer.

In the 1990’s, fans of shows such as NYPD Blue, Friends, and ER were all treated to special appearances by the tall statured, curly-haired, acting genius. Although he made appearances on these shows, he never had a fulltime role, which was more than likely due to these shows not possessing the funding that it would take to hire on an actor of his caliber for a full season, let alone multiple seasons. He did however have a show on FOX from 2005-2007 – The War at Home, which in my opinion was one of the best television series of the last 20 years!

Now that I have introduced a man who should need no introduction, let me give you all the basic premise of, Inside Out, just to get you all a little excited for this action packed blockbuster:

AJ who is played by Triple H, has just gotten out of prison for manslaughter of a man who intended on killing his best friend Jack. While in prison, Jack (Rapaport), takes care of AJ’s wife and daughter who he never knew he had. While out of prison AJ has high hopes of leaving his old ways behind him, and starting a new life. These plans are quickly interrupted as AJ is quickly forced into a situation where he once again has to protect his best friend from another mobster, Jacks own father. Will Triple H, go into total ass whooping mode, or will he bitch out??? My guess is that we’re gonna see Triple H throw down with some sorry SOB’s.

I, for one, will be at the movies at 10 a.m. on Friday morning to see the first showing of this film, and I can’t wait. It’s about time that we saw the resurgence of good old fashion action movies, with quality acting, and I’m sure with Michael Rappaport’s guidance, we will see a great performance from Triple H as well.  With how much Triple H kicks ass in the ring, and how much Michael Rapaport kicks ass at life/acting, there is no way this movie is going to let any true action movie fan down. There is no doubt that Inside Out is going to be RIGHT SIDE UP!!!

If you are unable to see the movie in theaters, have no fear the movie is set to be released on DVD in less than three weeks!