The War of the Green Lanterns rages on this week in Emerald Warriors #8, featuring the ‘love him or hate him’ Green Lantern Guy Gardner. I personally used to hate him, and nothing was better than the time Batman decked him in the face.
Now I see Guy Gardner as the one who balances out the personalities of his fellow Earth Green Lanterns. He is the one who will get down and dirty if things need to get done when the stoic John Stewart, good-hearted Kyle Rayner and noble Hal Jordan can’t.
Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides hasn’t even made it into theaters yet and we’ve already been hit with this recent news from Yahoo!:
Johnny Depp’s tour guide on his “Pirates of the Caribbean” voyages is plotting the course for a fifth installment even before the fourth movie sails into theaters.
Producer Jerry Bruckheimer says he has a screenplay in the works for a fifth “Pirates” tale after May’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” comes out.
As the fall TV shows are coming up on the end of their seasons, many new shows are getting ready to premier. We’ve already told you about Terra Nova, A Game of Thrones, and Camelot, which we’re predicting will all be good. Now we’ve got another prediction of quality: The Killing.
AMC has begun production on the network’s next original series, The Killing. From writer, executive producer and series showrunner Veena Sud (Cold Case), The Killing is based on the wildly successful Danish television series Forbrydelsen and tells the story of the murder of a young girl in Seattle and the subsequent police investigation. Season one will consist of thirteen one-hour episodes and will debut with a 2 hour premiere on Sun., Apr. 3 at 9PM | 8C.
Now, it might not sound like much…unless you were a big TV fan in the early 90’s. Then it might sound like Twin Peaks.
Most Cop/Crime dramas take a week-to-week look at the job, and typically wrap up a case an episode, but with both this and the aforementioned Twin Peaks, you have an entire season devoted to one case, the murder of a young girl. Now that might seem dull to all you Law & Order fans who are used to everything being wrapped up with a bow at the end of the hour, but I can tell you, this has potential to be one of the best shows on TV this year.
Below is the trailer, and for those familiar with Twin Peaks, tell me that it doesn’t seem similar…
So, as there were no midgets in red tuxedos, speaking backwards, it’s obviously not going to be as weird as Twin Peaks, but I’m sure can see the parallels.
Our missing girl is Rosie Larsen. In the trailer, if you’re a True Blood fan, you may have recognized Rosie’s mother as ‘Maryann Forrester’ (Michelle Forbes), but this time with no claws. And Justified fans may know Rosie’s father (played by Brent Sexton) as ‘Sheriff Hunter Mosley’ from Season 1.
The show is set to premier with a 2-Hour first episode this Sunday. I know I’ll be watching, and I have high hopes.
It’s already been a crazy week with celebrities getting accused of doing things they haven’t or accused of not doing things they say they did. The most recent one was Jackie Chan who was accused of doing something he clearly did not do, which is die.
OTRC reported that one way or another, through gossip on social networking sites, the martial arts action star suffered a heart attack and died. This was until through his own Facebook, a status was left denying that Chan had any problems at all, and he was in fact busy filming his current movie.
I must be out of the loop because I hadn’t heard anything about Jackie Chan dying until the day it was reported that he wasn’t dead. I’m now more concerned about which movie he is currently working on. The last live action movies he appeared in were The Spy Next Door and The Karate Kid Played By Will Smith’s Son. (that was the full title right?) Maybe Rush Hour 4 or The Tuxedo 2? (Please God no!) [Ed. – I hear that movie was very very popular]
The next movie Chan will appear in through is Kung Fu Panda 2: The Kaboom of Doom as the voice of ‘Furious Five’ warrior Monkey. The film releases this Summer. Jean Claude Van Damme will also be in the movie as a Crocodile, but he should’ve been a Kung Fu Beaver. Van DAM, get it?
This isn’t the first, nor will it be the last celebrity death hoax, but with such a vast web of social networks out there, gossip is able to spread across the globe in a flash. Below is a small list of celebrity death hoaxes.
Taylor Lautner – Died of a cocaine overdose. Will Ferrell – Hang Gliding accident. (I picture his cameo in The Goods as how that would have carried out.) Adam Sandler – Snowboarding accident. Charlie Sheen – Died from an overdose of ‘Winning’, but was then resurrected by Vatican Assassin Warlocks. (I actually just made that up. But hopefully with everyones help it becomes the sweetest death hoax of all time.)
Oh my, you can never get enough of what I call ‘Monster Mash’ horror movies, where some sort of predator is oversized to the max, or even better when two predators are combined into a hybrid killing machine. In Mega Piranha the predators in this case are…. you guessed it: mega-sized piranha.
“Heyoooo!”
This crap-fest starts out like a cheaply made rap video. A bunch of hussies in bikinis and two fat dudes drinking champagne on a boat headed downriver. But these aren’t rappers my friends. It is none other than the Venezuelan Prime Minister, and a U.S. Ambassador. Amidst their inane babble, one of the chicks on the boat freaks out and points at something away from the boat, and soon all of the girls on board are freaking out (for no good reason at this point). It turns out to be an alligator’s severed head slowly bobbing up to the surface. One of the boat hussies even obviously states to all who will listen, and I quote – “Oh my God! What could do that to an alligator.” Then the very crappy looking CG Piranhas attack, looking not so mega at this point. They not only attack the bottom of the boat, but these little bastards are launching from the water into the boat to take people out. Inexplicably this causes people on the boat to jump into the water to their deaths.
Senor Feetch, played by Paul Logan
At this point, we are introduced to two characters. The first being our main hero Jason Fitch, who is only described as “being” special forces. (That’s right, the main character in a movie about killer fish is named Fitch). The other character is Secretary of State or Defense Bob Grady. I can’t remember which secretary he was because I was so thrown by the fact that it was the oldest kid from the Brady Bunch – Greg Brady. (aka Barry Williams). So Greg Brady is now Bob Grady…yeah. Anyhow he sends Fitch to Venezuela to investigate the U.S. ambassadors death.
Now we are introduced to possibly the three worst actors ever who play our scientists, and they are responsible for creating the mega piranha with their evil science and good intentions! Sarah the geneticist (played by 80’s Pop-Star/Has Been Playboy Model – Tiffany), Eli the marine biologist and Brian the microbiologist.
Right now I have to point out that this movie has some of the worst acting that I have ever seen, but I expected no less. A lot of it was to the point where I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, so this will actually help the movie get a better grizzly score at the end.
Sarah Played by Tiffany
According to the “scientists”, the piranha are getting bigger and bigger every few hours because of their genetic tampering. That also means they are becoming even more and more mega. (I’m trying to see how many times I can fit the word mega in this review. I think that makes it six so far.)
Once Fitch arrives in Venezuela he is introduced to ‘Colonel Diaz’ who is super bad ass and obviously hates Americans. I couldn’t help but chuckle every time he says Senor Feetch! throughout the movie. So from this point on, I will also call him Senor Feetch for the rest of the review.
Senor Feetch knows that Diaz doesn’t like him and is letting him stay on base to keep an eye on him. So Senor Feetch sneaks out of the army base in broad daylight, but still stealthy as Hell. The couple minutes of his sneakiness are run together shots of him ducking around corners, rolling under cars and walking cautiously past the backs of Venezuelan soldiers. Senor Feetch is obviously the best special forces guy ever, and it is proven a hundred-fold in the next scene.
Feetch goes scuba diving near the boat wreck site to check things out. What ensues is a knife fight between our boy and a slightly mega piranha. He manages to cut it and distract the others as they feed on their friend and he makes it ashore.
You can’t hide from the Mega Piranha Greg Brady!
By now I’m in desperate need of a horror movie kill and starting to grow bored with the movie until this happens:
Senor Feetch is on shore catching his breath. Cut to the water where a mega piranha shoots into the air in slow motion, almost twenty feet to the shore to attack Senor Feetch. Senor Feetch owns the piranha with his blade before calling Grady and saying exactly this over the phone:
“I’ve figured it out, sir. It wasn’t an explosion, it wasn’t terrorists. It was giant piranha.”
Seriously, who was the scriptwriter for this one? Improv would have been better.
So the scientists explain how it’s a good thing that a natural dam is blocking the piranha from spreading downriver, and it’s the only thing as well. Funny how that can stop the mega piranha when only five minutes before one jumped thirty feet out of the f–king water onto shore! Oh buddy, huge plot hole!
Colonel Diaz in the midst of spouting off a huge “SENOR FEETCH!” (David Labiosa)
In a stunning display of Venezuelan military power and terrible special effects, Colonel Diaz takes three helicopters in the middle of the night and randomly fires machine guns and missiles into the river, destroying mega piranha left and right. Surprisingly they are not all dead.
The movie has a couple of piranha kills that are pretty generic, with the pool of blood bubbling up from the water with a lot of screaming and splashing. Nothing too exciting. I was expecting some spectacular piranha chomping, but was left high and dry.
The movie trudges along and before we know it there are mega piranha the size of cars launching themselves out of the water into buildings and everything in sight, one even impaling itself on a telephone pole. It truly keeps getting better as Senor Feetch bicycle kicks the shit out of almost a dozen launching piranha, like so:
The length and music weren’t in the movie unfortunately but you get the gist of it.
Throughout the rest of the movie, we are introduced to even more mega-sized piranha who launch themselves into battleships, withstand nuclear bombardment, and eat people on the land whole. I will tell you so you can sleep tonight that eventually, the piranha are indeed defeated.
One of the best parts of Mega Piranha involved the epic death of Colonel Diaz. I only wished he had yelled “FEEEEEEEEETCH!” before biting the big one. Or the big one biting him I should say:
Well, that’s it for the Mega Piranha. If you don’t want to sit through an hour and a half of crappy deaths by fish then simply watch the short version in the video below:
Out of the three Craptastic movies I’ve watched this one was probably the most entertaining even if it wasn’t great.
– Generic Piranha death scenes – A letter “e” missing out of the subtitled word “Something” + Flare in the mouth leads to exploding head death scene + Terrible acting that made me laugh + Cheesy action music + Funny ass looking mega piranha launching from the water into buildings
For those reasons above I give this craptastic movie 2 and a half grizzlies.
Craptastic Bonus Fun Fact:A well-fired flare shot in the mouth can cause a man’s head to explode.
The War of the Green Lanterns rages on this week in Emerald Warriors #8, featuring the ‘love him or hate him’ Green Lantern Guy Gardner. I personally used to hate him, and nothing was better than the time Batman decked him in the face.
Grizzly Bomb 