By now I am hoping that you have seen the cleverly put together pun in the name of this VHS masterpiece. Goremet sounds an awful lot like gourmet, does it not? The painfully awful pun involved in the title of this movie should give you some indication of what is in store, but believe me – it gets a lot worse! Before we even go into to the plot, I just want to let you know that the title lies to you straight from the get go. The lead star is not a zombie, he has a curse laid on him instead. Also, he is not a chef as someone else cooks for him. Finally, there is never a mention of Hell anywhere in this movie.
Now that I have cleared the air on the erroneous title – please enjoy the movie.
The plot is a big old mess, but here is what I have managed to piece together. In 1386 Goza is taken out to a field by his fellow Brotherhood members and punished for trying to stage a coup for leadership. In most cases, they would just execute him for this, but The Brotherhood are all mystics, and they decide the best punishment they could give is to have a flesh-eating curse put on him. He needs to eat human flesh to survive. This also seems to have the added bonus of keeping him alive forever. Was this really such a good punishment? Let’s skip ahead 600 years to 1986 and find Goza has ditched his robes for some swanky Hawaiian shirts, now runs his own eatery. The problem is that he eats most of the customers – not the best business model. The ones he does not eat, he gives incredibly poor customer service to and berates. So if you do not like dying, getting food with human hair in it, or getting slagged off by Goza then this is really not the place for you. While he spends his time getting his servant Blowza to cook up his victims, the Brotherhood have returned and decide that it is time to put Goza out of his misery once and for all.
This is one of the most poorly structured movies I have ever seen, but some of the main faults come from the Brotherhood. All the Brotherhood members have weird names like Goza (not the god from Ghostbusters I am afraid) and Blowza (I am not making this up) and it makes it incredibly difficult to actually follow who is who. The fact that some of the characters talk to the ground and you can barely hear them does not help matters either. I still do not know the name of the guy who gets The Brotherhood back together again, though I think it is Lozor, so lets go with that. This was not made any better by the fact my VHS of this has tracking problems on the credits of the movie and I had to guess a lot of the names and spellings. The whole notion of the Brotherhood is messed up. For a start they have a female leader who dresses up as a librarian to steal a book they need from Goza’s pad. So this is not actually a Brotherhood then. Also they seem to have some kind of force powers where when the new leader of the Brotherhood Lozor confronts Goza in a park, they start to push up their hands and pretend to choke each other. If you are having trouble picturing this, imagine two children playing as Jedi’s and you pretty much get the idea. This is about a ten minute scene and is brutal to watch. It is not explained how this happens or where the powers come from. There is a very small scene earlier on where Goza looks like he may have killed a snooping customer with his force powers, but you do not know as it is so poorly shot you get to see little of anything.
The Brotherhood all talk like they have come out of a fantasy novel too, which breaks the mood of the film up when most of it is hack and slash action. The final thing that really set me off is the fact they let Blowza off for his crimes. Blowza is Goza chef friend who cooks up his meals and is also an ex member of The Brotherhood (though you do not find this out till well later in the movie and you have to listen really hard as they really do glaze over it fast). We have already seen him lob off someone’s head and drink their blood (sounds like a good effect but believe me it is not) as well as killing numerous people for Goza to eat. But because he has not eaten any human meat he is allowed back into the fold. Pretty much everyone who has died because of Goza’s actions can place the blame on The Brotherhood as they cursed him in the first place. The Brotherhood are a bunch of jerks, no wonder Goza hates them. In their defense at least they try to tidy up their own mess. Goza is constantly leaving drugged women and body parts around all over the place for people to find.
Never has a film felt more padded than Goremet. The running time is barely 80 minutes long, but they still have multiple filler scenes, like a group singing about a boardwalk for no reason, or a cop who is thrown into the mix for five minutes, just to be killed off. They try to have a detective angle where a fellow is looking for his finance Stella (whose ring he found in his burger at Goza’s), but this lasts for about ten minutes until he and his annoying female sidekick get killed off. This also leads to a truly dire joke involving the guy shouting Stella as loud as he can just like Marlon Brando…but crappy.
This is another thing that this film fails miserable at and thats humor. We have the librarian stroke Brotherhood priestess saying she will try anything once while getting offered a Slimy Slider drink by Goza. To the above mentioned Brando joke and then ending in a truly awful setup involving a cop after he sees Goza’s kitchen. This all fails on every level in getting a comedic response. This film does have some redeeming features however. It has a resident crazy man Azoc, who is a Brotherhood member who has gone off the rails and tries to stop people going to Goza’s. The music is amazing too, with some awesome keyboard beats that you will be humming in your head for quite some time to come. The special effects are awful, but do harken back to a time when you could just get a plastic arm and cover it in ketchup and it can be used as a prop in a film. There is a back to basics approach here which I kind of admired (even if they looked very very tacky).
Then there is Goza himself. Goza is a character all right. His shirts are amazing and he always makes sure the ladies can see the goods with a bit of chest hair showing, because if nothing else – Goza is a ladies man. There is a great scene where Goza has a little private dancing party with some chicks. Goza must be giving off some powerful pheromones, because as soon as he hits the dance floor these women are all over him, grinding up against him and taking most of their clothes off for his pleasure. But does he want any of that? Hell no – Goza stops the ladies taking his clothes off, he just wants to dance (and drug them and cut off their buttocks but that comes later).
Goza comes to a truly hilarious end when the high priestess of the Brotherhood catches him after he has not fed and is flaking skin off all over the place (he has a face like a pizza at this point). She nails his legs to the floor, super glues his mouth together and puts some meat just in front of him. He struggles, but alas cannot get to the meat in time and dies. To add salt into his wounds the priestess takes over his deli, though why she would do this is never mentioned it does seem like it is for Brotherhood members only.
The scene that will always stay in your head is when Goza directly talks to the audience and asks what is so wrong with eating people as we eat animals. Well I will tell you what is wrong with it Goza, eating people is illegal you idiot! It would have been handy to know just how much meat Goza needs to survive, because he only seems to eat little bits then bangs the rest into his deli food. This never made any sense to me. Why not store the bodies and eat them at a later date? He seems to need to eat them every few hours so why not be prepared? Also how the police did not have their suspicions earlier on I will never know. Pretty much anyone who enters his deli dies!
After this breakdown of the pure nonsense that is Goremet Zombie Chef from Hell you would think I would hate this movie. Far from it, this has to be one of the weirdest and just plain awful movies I have ever encountered, and I loved every second of it. The sheer amount of badness in all of this film, whether it is script, acting or plot just makes me love it even more. For someone who loves bad movies this must be the Holy Grail, on par with Troll 2 at the top spot of cheesiest movies ever made. It had me howling with laughter for all the wrong reasons. If nothing else this is a strange visual trip that you will never see again in this day and age. They just threw everything into this movie on the off-chance it worked, and none of it did. But I admire that because in an age where very few risks are taking in film making, at least this movie stands out as trying. Even if it failed to achieve anything. It is amazingly awful.
If you were brave enough to sit down and endure Goremet then you may want to watch this parody review made by the fine people at VHShitfest. It plays out like a great sequel to the original film. Lets be honest here we are never going to get a real sequel so this is the closest you will ever get to seeing the continued advantages of Goza.